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The Narrator

February 14, 2008

Shut up! Just shut the hell up!!!

I wish I had the guts to say that to the extremely annoying “movie narrator” who was seated 2 rows behind, across the aisle from me. Unfortunately, I was too well brought up (ahem) to start a fight in SM Cinema 4 so I shut up instead.

This was the scenario. I watched “Enchanted” with Bimbo. The movie was playing at “The Block,” SM North City where the new cinemas are located. The seats were comfortable, if a bit too low for my taste (I had to crane my neck just so since someone was on the seat in front of mine). You could say the setting was perfect for watching an animated fairytale nonsense which, precisely for that reason, I knew I would enjoy immensely.

The movie started. The leading lady looked incredibly like an animated version of Barbie – she has a perfect, hourglass figure that makes little girls sigh and grown women cry (then starve themselves). Prince Charming was a bit off, though. I mean he has blue eyes, a white charger and all that like they always say in fairy tales but something is wrong with him. What I mean is that I never really imagined Prince Charming to be (ugh!) singing all the time!

Cm’on! I remember that when I was a young girl, I dreamed about being swept off my feet by a Prince who is handsome, strong, brave, gentle and, most important of all, QUIET (reticent, reserved, etc. – call it what you will). In my mind, Prince Charming was and should never be a brash, aggravating, abrasive chatterbox, full of hot air and romantic songs.
An aside…

I’m a normal female. I admire a man who has a great singing voice and a robust pair of lungs. However, I don’t want to end up with a Prince Charming who has a habit of breaking into song whenever he feels sad, happy, angry, or feeling some sort of strong emotion. I can just imagine myself walking with such a man in the mall. What if he and I quarreled? He would probably belt out “Platypus” from Green Day and give me (and a goggle-eyed audience a hundred or so strong) an impressive performance right there at the food court, in front of Reyes Barbecue and near the escalator. I don’t know about you but I don’t want someone telling me – uhm, singing to me – at the top of his lungs that:

“No one loves you and you know it
Don’t pretend that you enjoy it or you don’t care
Cause now I wouldn’t lie or tell you all the things you want
to hear.
CUZ I HATE YOU, CUZ I HATE YOU, CUZ I HATE YOU, CUZ I HATE YOUUUUUU

D***head, F***face, c***-smoking, mother-f*****g, a**hole, dirty twat, waste of semen, I hope you die, HEY!”

I’d just die of shame, I know it.
Back to the story…

Truly, while the leading lady Giselle fit the bill perfectly Prince Edward was not so ideal. Maybe it’s just me. Or most probably the movie makers were just being a teeny bit (read: a heck of a lot) sarcastic in portraying Prince Edward as the egomaniac that he was.

Now, going back to the original story, Giselle began screeching the “love’s duet,” Prince Edward started singing, too, and the forest animals started singing with them (I really loved the squirrel).

The movie was coming along exactly as I expected. My eyes shone like lamplights (My precioussss…); a huge, sappy, mindless grin was plastered on my face. I looked exactly the way a chocoholic looks at chocolate cake, a workaholic looks at mounds of papers (he he) and an alcoholic looks at a bottle of, ehrm, alcohol (?). I looked exactly like I felt – enjoying every second of the latest non-cerebral, mind-numbing form of amusement from Walt Disney Pictures.

Then she ruined it! Gaaahhhh! When something happened in the movie, she immediately recounted it.

When Giselle climbed up the billboard that had a drawing of a castle on it, she said, “Ha ha ha ha [in a loud, extremely irritating voice] she climbed up the billboard! HA HA HA HA!!!”

When Giselle fell off the billboard and landed on top of Patrick Dempsey who was casted as Robert Phillip, she said “Ha ha ha ha [again, in a loud, extremely irritating voice] she fell on top of Robert! That must have hurt! HA HA HA HA!!!”

When Giselle cleaned up Patrick Dempsey’s apartment with the help of the city rats, doves, cockroaches, etc, she said “Ha ha ha ha [again, in a loud, extremely irritating voice] she got the help of rats, HA HA HA HA!!!! and she cleaned up Robert’s apartment!”

When Giselle cut out the curtains so she can make a dress, she said “Ha ha ha ha[again, in a loud, extremely irritating voice] she cut out the curtains, HA HA HA HA!!!”

When Giselle cut out the carpet to make another dress, she said ” Ha ha ha ha [again, in a loud, extremely irritating voice] she cut out the carpet, HA HA HA HA!!!”

When Giselle started singing in Central Park, she said “Ha ha ha ha [again, in a loud, extremely irritating voice] she is singing in the middle of the park in front of all those people, HA HA HA HA!!!”

If you have watched Enchanted, you’d know that all these scenes were around a few minutes from each other. She was thus an unwanted and uninvited movie narrator. She had something to say about everything in the movie. When the rest of the movie goers laughed, she guffawed and gave an unwanted account of the funny part. When the rest of the movie goers sighed, she loudly gushed and gave an unsolicited account of the romantic part.

And so the movie narrator went on in the same vein for the rest of the movie. I could see the rest of the movie goers’ exasperated and aggravated countenances. I was literally biting my tongue to stop myself from giving in to the very persistent urge to shout “Shutup; just shut the hell up!” Bimbo also held on tightly to my hand; he was perhaps afraid that I would stuff my handkerchief down the movie narrator’s throat. I heard some people make the standard shushing noises – which did not have any noticeable effect at all. Ms. Movie Narrator went on oblivious , unaware of the multiple dagger looks that she was receiving.

Gaaaahhh!!! She was positively hateful. I should have just sung Platypus right there and then.

(Repost from my Yahoo 360 blog)

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