Men are from Mars, Women Ain’t Right in the Head (A Decidedly Male Perspective on Relationships)

This is a repost from Bryden’s blog. Wonderfully insightful, mate!

They say there are only two things that are constant: death and taxes. I beg to disagree; there’s one more: women complaining about men. You could time travel a thousand years into the future or into the past, and I’ll bet you’d still find women nagging men. [In the future, of course, there are probably going to be gadgets to help men block out the white noise]

Which leads me to the question: why is it that men are almost always portrayed as the bad guy in the male-female relationship?

Looking over the forum posts and blogs in the internet, one could almost conclude that “good guys” have a lot more in common with medieval dragons, elves, the Tasmanian devil, Bigfoot, the Siberian tiger, pandas, and tabios (the world’s smallest fish) than living and breathing men – they are figments of our imagination, myths, extinct, or endangered.

So, are good men really hard to find? YES – but not because they are an endangered species. In my humble opinion (ehrm), I think it’s because women almost always look for them in the wrong places or snags them in the wrong situations.

Here are some common-sense facts about men that most women do not seem to get.
1) Good Men cannot be found in a bar, a disco, or a singles party.
Looking for BF-material guys in a bar, a disco or a singles party is like looking for a new pet in the local dog pound. You might get a cute looking dog but the dog pound’s surely not going to give you a rabies free certificate. And with all the dogs locked up together, you’ll just have to take your chances.

Good men do not go to bars and discos to pick up girls. They’re there to catch up with old friends and have fun! If by chance you do maneuver yourself into a conversation with them, they’ll surely not think of you as GF material. They’re more likely to regard you as something that comes with the peanuts and beer.
2) Once a Cheater, always be on the lookout.
If you got your current BF by getting him to cheat and subsequently break up with his previous girlfriend then, really, how the heck can you expect him not to do the same thing to you? Tit for Tat – an eye for an eye – people say. In this case, you can’t even blame the guy when he cheats on you. You can’t even expect sympathy from your friends. Some people would say its justice served hot – and they will be right.

They say the best predictor for future behavior is past behavior. I wonder then why girls do not apply this simple principle when it comes to choosing their BF. After all, they’re so great at connecting the dots when it comes to gossips and unrelated tidbits of info, they can even rival the KGB at the height of the Cold War.

Granted, the guy may indeed change his ways when he hitches up with you – who in his right mind can resist you with the irresistible looks and the one-of-a-kind personality, right? But until then, I’ll start popping corn and wait for the fireworks to start.
3) What You Show is what you get
I’m not against women dressing sexy and showing off some skin to feel, well, sexy… far from it. I rather enjoy watching them while playing “fill-in-the-blanks” in my head. What I don’t understand, however, is why some women think that the amount of skin they show is directly proportional to their chances of snagging a great guy. A regular hot-blooded guy, no doubt you’ll snag one, but a great BF-material guy??? Aw, c’mon!

I mean, why use curves and skin as bait and complain that all you ever snag are sex pervs? It’s like using worms as bait and complaining that all you ever catch is fish! Well what did you expect?? Submersible chickens???

Girls, what you need to understand is the fact that the moment a guy gets attracted to your revealing dress and miles and miles of bare skin, it’s not the heart – and certainly not the brain – that gets a massive increase in blood supply. It goes somewhere else, along with the capacity to think or even entertain mushy feelings.

Use some intellect or some character to attract BF-material guys. After all, it’s not the FHM magazine they pick up when they look for inspiration.
4) Sex Ain’t a Warranty for Lifetime Service
Did we somehow miss out the part in the Old Testament when God gave out the commandment that said “Guys have to expunge themselves of hormones and testosterones and should never look or fantasize about other girls even after having sex with their girl friend?” What is it with sex and fidelity anyhow? Is there a grand unifying theory that connects the two?

Sex is sex. It’s not a lifetime warranty for the guy’s love and certainly not a guarantee against him cheating in the future. It’s not an excuse for the other shortcomings in the relationship and certainly not a replacement for love.

Using sex to chain a guy to the relationship is a lot like using free meals and a roof as incentives for convicts to stay in prison. State-sponsored meals and free rent may be great, but it sure as hell not enough compensation if the company sucks! [Note: I mean this figuratively, of course.]

Sex is just another manifestation of love and, sometimes, it is a purely primal instinct (like smelling your fingers after scratching your armpits). It’s much like the chocolates and flowers and iPod you gave him for your anniversary (maybe he just wanted a new Ipod so he ditched you after getting it, he he).

5) Having a Guy Undergo the Girls’ Litmus Test
Girls have a very nasty habit of doing secret and complex experiments to otherwise OK guys just so they can prove to themselves that their BF is loyal to them. Here’s the kicker: girls don’t usually like the results.

Generally, these experiments have something to do with unlocking the darker side of a guy’s personality (tendency to cheat, to lie, to flirt, etc). It’s much like unlocking the 3rd eye or, in the case of provoked infidelity, the 3rd leg, he he he.

Upon deeper reflection, it brings to mind the experiments the Germans were doing to the Jews during the Holocaust. The Germans conducted studies on how long a human body can endure given a certain amount of daily calorie intake. I forgot the exact value but I’m sure I can find it again in Schindler’s list. In this case, girls are experimenting on how long an oxygen-starved brain (blood is pumped elsewhere as mentioned earlier) lasts before a guy gives in to his primal instincts (which in the Old Testament is referred to as “go forth and multiply”).

IT’S INHUMAN! It’s almost like unknowingly and unwittingly participating in a Survivor Series show, Temptation Island, Pinoy Big Brother or some other equally insane, game-cum-reality TV show. Here are a few noteworthy examples (guys, watch out for these standard baiting procedures so you’ll know better than to be caught in such traps):

The Cell Phone Sneak Attack: She’ll have you go out on a surprise errand just so you’ll unwittingly leave your cell phone behind. She’ll then scour over the message inbox looking for telltale signs of infidelity. If you’re really careless, she’ll even piece the whole story together from the little crumbs of info found in your cell. She’ll then let you sweat buckets when she goes through the good cop/bad cop routine single-handedly. It’s like CSI without the flashbacks and Horacio’s One-liners. Unlike CSI though, you’ll be guilty until proven innocent.

The Secret Admirer/Stalker: This is actually one of the favorite MOs of girls. They’ll either pretend to be someone else, complete with new and untraceable SIM cards, bogus Friendster identities, a stand-in voice over the telephone (usually their friends), or a full-fledged Delilah (a trusted “hottie” friend of hers whom you don’t know about) to draw out your incubus out into the open. Their bogus identities or trusted sidekicks will sound so credible you’ll even think they are female versions of Jason Bourne or FBI agents for the witness protection program.

Again, this is as sensible as putting a gasoline-doused log over the fire then hoping against hope that it wouldn’t burn. Hell, even guys over at Big Brother’s house do it knowing very well that their GFs are watching their every move at home – not just on TV but over the 24-hour feed as well!

The Hard Choice: Girls love to put guys in a position where they have to make a choice between two important things in their lives. Whether it be academics or her, his parents or her, his friends or her, his self respect or her, his vices or her – you can bet your ass there’s only one good answer every time. Nope, it will not even be a trick question as she’s going to give you lots of clues along the way. It’s like Deal or No Deal where you can choose only one case.

Girls do not seem to get the fact that there are no perfect guys out there. Dig deep enough and you’re always going to strike bedrock. The guy may truly love you and may truly want to give you his best, but he’s still human and his frail human heart can still be overcome by his primal-code brain.

“HAPPY ARE THOSE WHO DON’T EXPECT TOO MUCH FOR THEY WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED”

(Repost from my Yahoo 360 blog)